So is God a sadist

So is God  sadist,is he an almighty kid sitting on an anthill cinging the ants antennas off  (ants by the way are us) is the reason his plans are not known to man because no man known to man is that crazy,is the reason we are told he works in mysterious ways because the whole issue of religion is mystifying a case of confuse and conquer.
My heart has been torn to pieces once and it threatens to be torn again tomorrow.First time is when my father passed away from acute myelomonocytic leukemia despite endless talks i had with his doctors and the expectation of his fast approaching demise nothing prepared my heart for the world of hurt i would face.
An year and four months later i had my beautiful baby boy ,after a pregnancy plagued with illness and procedures,hyperemesis gravidarum,picc lines,bedrest spinal taps, preterm labor that never seemed to cause dilation but enough stress on both mum and baby,scans for clots,asthma,kidney stones,pre eclampsia and through all that it somehow did not seem to bad knowing that i will have a son at the end of it all.
2 hours after he is born doctors tell me we discovered a hole in his heart its sizeable 9mm and he may require surgery down the line..........it never sunk in until i was home from the hospital and i looked at my son and had the sudden fear that he might stop breathing while i slept...so for the first couple of days i did not sleep,i just watched him as he slept.
A couple of days later i was tired enough to pass out while my husband watched him after the mother of all head aches.The fear wore out as time progressed but not completely i still startle myself from sleep and check on his breathing.
Tomorrow is the day,tomorrow is the day they tell me when and if they will do surgery.Last time the doctor found a growth in his heart that partially blocked blood flow and evident stress on his left ventricle showing with increased size in the heart muscle .His lungs were fine but the doctor who was seeing him for the first time needed to see him a second time in order to make a more accurate decision.So its tomorrow and i cant help but feel my antennas being cinged off.